My Heart Is Captivated By You

My heart is full because of you, and there are no vacancies.

Your presence on earth has given me the ability to trust myself – to trust myself to be a great mother, provider, and friend.

You turned three the other day, and I was the one who experienced the shift.    

Months before your birthday I began researching what dance or gymnastics class I could enroll you in.  In the days leading to your birthday, I kept myself busy with planning for your party, but my mind frequently drifted to you.   I laughed to myself about all the funny things you say and do. 

I was talking to Granddad on the way to work yesterday, and he told me how proud of me he was for the fantastic job I was doing in raising you.  His words came as a shock.  They should not have because he still frequently praises me in my 30’s, but this time was different.  To hear him praise me for being a great mother sent pings to my core.

I cried when he told me because it was a relief.  I did not realize I was still carrying around old fears in becoming a mother.  I was afraid that I would not “get it right” for a lot of reasons.  I was even afraid that you would not like me.  

The fears were so thick.  The extra load made me sick with unnecessary worry.  I purchased multiples of everything “just in case.”

None of the fears I carried came to pass.

As I continued to do the work in processing the old fears, I realized that I never healed emotionally about our delivery. The delivery was complicated, and the both of us almost did not survive.  After your arrival, the doctor told me “You really scared me.”  I remember registering the worry in his eyes but decided to focus on my recovery and you.  I suppressed those memories because I did not have the emotional tools to process what happened at the time.

I believe I pushed the experience of the delivery down so that I did not have to deal with how difficult it was.  I was able to share details close friends and family about the ordeal, but I was not over it - I was utterly disconnected from the experience.  

It felt like magic when our eyes connected for the first time.  Each day with you is remarkable.  Even when I feel that I didn’t do something correctly, you show me grace, forgiveness, confidence, and sass.

Granddad always tells me how much you remind him of me.  I recall the nights when I was younger, and I would ask him to tell me the story of when I was born.  Because you are an extension of me, the stories now have more meaning.

I open my heart to you daughter.  You are more dynamic than I could have ever imagined.  You approach each new experience with enthusiasm and excitement.

Thank you for serving as one of my teachers for many reasons, some that I still have to uncover.  I love being your mother and I will always protect, guide and love you unconditionally.   

My wish for you is that you will always think for yourself and be your authentic self.  Thank you for choosing Daddy and me to be your parents. 

My heart is captivated by you.

Love,

Mommy